Telemarketing Humor
There isn't a person with a phone in the United States today who doesn't receive phone calls from long distance telemarketers trying to sell you on their rate plans. Somehow, someway, they get your phone number and if you are anything like the average person, the calls always come at the worst time.
Hopping out of the shower and running down the hallway soaking wet to grab the phone, only to hear that you can get 10 cents per minute on your state to state calls hardly gets you in the mood to talk about long distance! Add that to those determined telemarketers who will insist you hear them out even though you have told them twice that your house is on fire and you must hang up to call the fire department, and there seems to be little love loss between the consumer and the telemarketer.
Below you'll find some humorous ways to respond to long distance telemarketers. Obviously, this is meant for humor and we hope you take them in the spirit they were intended.
Number One
When the telemarketer asks how you're doing, give him the answer! Tell him your glad he asked, because your gastritis has really been giving you a lot of gas. Make sure to tell him how your kids never call and how your spouse and you have been arguing lately. Your arthritis, loose fillings, back pain, ingrown nails, anything! As long as it is way more than he wanted to know!
Number Two
Tell the telemarketer your time is money. Ask how long their presentation will take. Upon getting an answer, tell them your "listening rates" for a 3, 5 and 10 minute call and offer to take all major credit cards as a source of payment. Ask them which credit card they would like to pay with today.
Number Three
Insist that the telemarketer is really your friend playing a joke on you and keep insisting no matter how the telemarketer protests - "Sarah! I know it's you! Stop playing around. Seriously Sarah - so how is your new job?".
Number Four
When the telemarketer gives their introduction as being Bill Smith from ABC Company, ask him to spell his name. Then ask that he spell the company name. Then ask where the company is located, and how to spell the location. Ask who owns the company, and how to spell that name. Continue asking useless, personal questions, always insisting that each answer be spelled out.
Number Five
Tell the telemarketer that you don't live where ever they called and can't make decisions. When asked if someone is there who can, tell the telemarketer that they are all tied up right now, but when you are done carrying their stuff out to your car, you'll be sure to leave a note for them about the great deals on long distance that the telemarketer is offering before making your getaway. Then hang up.
Number Six
Explain to the telemarketer that you are really busy at the moment, but that if they give you their home phone number, you'll be glad to call them back. When the telemarketer tells you that they don't give out their home telephone number, ask them if they don't like receiving calls at home than why on earth do they think it is ok to call you at home.
Number Seven
Ask them to repeat which phone company they are calling from. Reply by telling them, "Oh, good! Because I owe (insert big name company here) and (insert another company here) a LOT of money that I can't afford and don't intend to pay! And I really miss being able to call those 1-900 dating hotlines. So, what were those great rates you were offering again?".
Number Eight
The next time a telemarketer calls offering you cash to switch back to their service, ask them how they get the money to offer you that cash. Ask if they get it by charging customers more than they need to in order to supply their advertising and come back for cash temptations. Ask how their salary is paid and how much they make. Tell them you want to know where your money spent with them was going.
Number Nine
Tell the telemarketer to talk VERY slowly, because you want to write every word down. Repeat the words as you are pretending to write them.
Number Ten
After listening to the telemarketers opening script, tell them you switch to their service right now - on one condition. When the telemarketer asks you what that condition is, tell them they must bark like a dog, right now, for three minutes straight.
Here at Cheap Long Distance Carriers, we are proud to tell you that we do not do any telemarketing. Instead, we have built our presence online in order to allow consumers to shop for long distance carriers
when and how they want to.
For some more serious information on telemarketing, you can view the Telemarketing Sales Rules at the Federal Trade Commission website. You can also click on the following link to find information on the Do Not Call list.
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